Real Life SD: Dating by Susan Reagan

 How do I look? Gosh, I hope he/she likes me! Wonder if I have bad breath, let me check! Maybe I should change my outfit? I am just not going! What if we have nothing to say? Ugh! I hate dating. You guessed it, add Spasmodic Dysphonia to the mix the anxiety becomes even greater as well as the fear of rejection due to the disorder. One of the key elements that mark SD is having a mind full of words and ideas to express but limited ability to do so clearly through the use of voice. Wanting to speak, to interact and to emotionally connect is so difficult when your voice will not cooperate.

 Putting yourself out there in a dating situation strikes fear in the hearts of many as you could be set up for rejection, judgment and even disappointment. Let’s look at how having SD or any vocal disorder affects our ability to connect with others in the name of romance. For those of us that have a vocal disorder, out sense of self in many cases can become compromised and our self-perception can become skewed. We start to see ourselves not as we truly are but as others view us; which is diminished in some way.

 Most people do not realize how devastating losing your voice is and that it is commonplace to shrink from social settings when this occurs. Being attractive having a great smile and being outgoing is helpful but can only do so much before your voice loss affects your ability to relate to others. In some cases the effort of speaking comes with a good deal of visible straining to force the words out so even with the added perk of being cute a voice disorder could scare a potential suitor away. People react poorly to a garbled voice regardless of what that voice is saying.

 One person reported joining an online dating website in hopes of making a love connection and did not receive any responses due to the mention of the disorder. Once she removed the reference to SD her responses increased. Which leads us to the first question, When do you disclose a vocal disorder when dating in cyber space? How do you know when to broach the topic? It could be off putting to tell someone “I don’t talk on the phone.” And then not go into detail. One of the possible modern day solutions is to just text.

 So how can we overcome these barriers?

 1. Firstly, some good old fashioned positive thinking. If a person with a vocal disorder views themself as being worthy of love and acceptance then others will follow that lead. If we feel unworthy, that is the message we share with the world, and the world will follow that lead as well.

 2. Provide a non-threatening explanation of the disorder. Put your potential date at ease with an opportunity to ask any questions they may lessen the fear of the unknown.

 3. If we perceive our disorder as the end of the world others will follow our lead and feel the same. The key is to be yourself and not let the disorder define you. Being able to manage this task also depends on where you are in the process of acceptance as it relates to the disorder. Trying to date in the early onset of the disorder can be difficult as the natural progression of depression occurs and eventually leads to acceptance.

 The following are some practical tips to dating with a SD.

• Avoid loud bars or restaurants. Pick an environment that will help the communication effort by allowing your date to hear you better.

• If you are comfortable enough to sit up close that will help the situation as well as make the date cozy and intimate.

• Some have offered that having a glass of wine or a cocktail will help to relax the vocal cords making speech less difficult.

• Focus on your ability to be a great listener, which is one of the gifts of SD.   People love to speak about themselves and listening intently to your date is very alluring. This skill could actually lead to a very long and fruitful discussion opening doors to topics that may have been missed.

• Remember dating should be fun. Don’t forget your sense of whimsy and excitement still exists.

 Dating with Spasmodic Dysphonia or any vocal disorder does not have to be a painful ordeal. It is all about your sense of self, your ability to see beyond your vocal disorder and your openness to share with the world. It is easy to get discouraged in dating and the pursuit of love in any condition... Having a vocal disorder should never make a person feel unworthy of experiencing this great joy in life.